Sunday, October 26, 2008

Mothers

In the picture from left to right - My mom, Brenda, Anna, Me at Brenda's wedding in August '07

Today's lesson at church was about motherhood, the importance of, and the blessings thereof. As I read the thoughts of this little community of bloggers I recognize a recurring theme. Being a mother is a tough, often thankless, task with amazing rewards that sneak up on you. Case in point. My daughter, Anna, turned 30 on the 16th of this month. I was unable to reach her on that day and (airhead that I am) it was several days before we actually spoke. Now a daughter's 30th birthday seems like grounds for a something splashy but as I'm in Minnesota and she is in Utah that didn't happen so I had succumbed to the ultimate maternal right and had convinced myself that I'm a terrible mother. (Bring on the guilt.) My children have turned out miraculously well in the face of the many mistakes I made, and I wouldn't blame Anna if she didn't want to talk to me. HMM. I have GOT to stop talking to myself. That little internal voice just isn't kind. Well, when I did connect with Anna we had such a lovely conversation. She is so busy with her life and so many positive things happening. Anna works hard. She is a program director at a treatment center for adolescents. She is assisting on a research project at the University of Utah. She volunteers at a free clinic for homeless women, and she is the family touchstone (meaning she's the one looking out for my mother and her siblings). Anyway, during our conversation she thanked me (yea that's right) for teaching her so many things. Ladies, this is my expression of hope to you - especially those with teenagers. Your teenagers WILL grow up to realize how often your parenting was right and a real expression of love. Okay, more about my terrific kids later.

As I pondered the motherhood question I had some reflections I'd like to share. Things my mother taught me. My mother always said "It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease!" Contrary to the unstated taboo against "complaining" this is a truly essential life skill. My experience has been that it is truly rare for anything to be just handed out. If one wants something to happen one has to go out and seek it. I have always been a shy person. It is hard for me to ask for help, but some of the things I have managed to accomplish in life are due to my mother's lesson. Sometimes I have just refused to take no for an answer. She has always treated me as if she believes I am capable of doing anything I set out to. This is a really empowering attitude and I'm grateful she taught me this. This lesson was reinforced by my sweet grandmother's oft repeated "Can't is a coward and hasn't tried!" This "momism" rattles around my teacher brain on a regular basis. Despite my husband's conviction that I'm simply stubborn I get my determination from the women who raised me. There's no cowardice them.. I hope there is none in me.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Bears

First, thanks for the encouragement in the face of last week's post. I slept a lot this weekend and am feeling better. I've taken up a new hobby - well sort of. Actually I've found an excuse to make time in my schedule to do one of my favorite things - sew. Last spring one of my students lost her uncle to cancer. Her family was looking for someone to make some grief bears for the family and asked if I would be interested (for a fee of course). A grief bear is a bear made from the clothing of someone who has passed away. I let the offer go all summer and didn't hear from them so I figured they had found someone else to make the bears. When school started they contacted me at school. It turned out that my student didn't know my whole last name (a lot of the kids call me Mrs. O) and they had lost my number and, by the way, how soon could I make 6 bears? I had so much fun making these bears and knowing as I did that it would be a healthy remembrance of their loved one. They loved the bears and ordered 2 more. Then as the bears were sitting in my office one of the teachers at the school whose brother passed away over the summer saw them and ordered some bears for her family. My tender heart wants to offer to do the bears for free, but I know I have to place a value on my time as well. Maybe the whole thing is a little morbid, but I know how much it can mean to have a piece of clothing from someone you lost. A bear isn't going to wear out. The school social worker wants me to advertise but I'm afraid. It's like the cake decorating I do. It is worth it to me to do for friends but if I have more business than I can do comfortably then it isn't fun anymore.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Parent-Teacher Conferences

You may notice that it has been some time since my last post. This is no big surprise - I am a teacher in the throes of parent-teacher conferences. Any parent will tell you that conferences are stressful. Any parent who has attended them that is. I can remember what it was like when my own children were in elementary school. You gather your courage and wander into that familiar, yet all too foreign domain that is your child's elementary school. This is an important environment. Your child spends the bulk of his or her waking hours in this place and these people have a great deal of influence on your child's world. Do I bring the student? Do I dress up? Does this teacher think I'm a dingbat of a parent because my child went to school yesterday with her coat on inside out? Is my child sharing every intimate detail of my home life with the class during sharing time? All of this before you get to the real questions - how is my child doing? Is he learning, progressing, making friends, making mistakes, coping, failing, smiling, clowning... Just what is going on here anyway? I have to trust you people and that is hard for a parent to do sometimes.
I'm now on the other side of the desk. I teach special education. My students ALL have emotional or behavior disorders. Some are autistic, some have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety disorder, obsessive- compulsive disorders, traumatic brain damage, and a grab bag of other obstacles to progress in school. The parents who attend conferences with me have frequently had bad experiences in school themselves. Most have had battles and fears and tears with one teacher or another because the problems my kids have are often misunderstood. As a special education teacher my job is as much to be an advocate for the child with classroom teachers as it is to teach them. Having said that, I have to say this has been a REALLY exhausting week. I try hard to be at as many of these conferences as I can but they are scheduled around the classroom teachers schedules not mine. This means that I have conferences in different buildings taking place at the same time. I had just such a situation this week and was late for one conference. The mother attending that conference was torqued (my new word this week). I could just about follow the trail of smoke as she made her way to the principal's office to complain about me, my lack of responsiveness to her requests, her child's lack of progress, and the school system in general. All of this lack of responsiveness has manifested itself in less than 4 weeks of working with the child. Oh joy! This principal is (mind you) a brand new principal here -my new boss :o The next day's conferences included the parent who is concerned about her 2nd grader's level of anxiety in the classroom so she is visiting the classroom and holding him on her lap so he will be calm. My dilemma is that I can completely understand both parents' point of view and intentions. I can completely relate. My children will tell you that I'm the queen of expecting kids to be independent but that is NOT my knee jerk reaction to any situation. I've had to work hard to teach myself not to gather them all in and try to make it all better. It is, however not going to be helpful for me to nod and agree. As I write this I am finishing up my last night of conferences and have had the opportunity to meet with the first parent (the mama bear). I wasn't able to tell her that her son's learning "difference" is going to be overcome in a single year of services. That he will be functioning at grade level by next year. I can't tell you how much I would like to be able to say that. I'd love it if I could find some magic formula to put myself completely out of work. But so far I haven't found it and I really do care!