The Fork in the Road

   I'm turning in a new direction in my life and my career, beginning tomorrow.   I start a new job, at a new building and I'm thrilled - and terrified.  I'm also getting way ahead of myself.  Here is how it happened.  I have worked at the same elementary school for the last 7 years.  For four of those years I was half time there and half time at another school.  Three years ago I was asked to be the department lead for the special education department in my school.  This responsibility came with a half day to perform those additional duties and the other half of the day I was a teacher and case manager.  There were aspects of that position that I truly enjoyed.  I enjoyed the chance to deal with adults instead of children and I took pleasure in the paperwork and organizing portion of the position. I loved the creative outlet of putting together schedules, tables, tracking progress in programming, organizing and facilitating meetings. The drawback was that it seemed to be impossible for me to complete the work within my allotted workday.  I took more and more work home.  I stopped doing any of the things that have previously restored my perspective on life, but I missed those things so much that they became items on my list of undone things.  My heart knew that I need those outlets.  Last year I applied for a new position and was denied.  This story is longer and still a little bitter but I refuse to express useless bitterness in this blog.  The long and short of the story is that the position I applied for was filled in our building by someone else and my position became more difficult.  The expectations for what I could accomplish grew while I was offered  less time in which to do it.  It was clear that I was not going to have a place in that building for much longer.  By November I was so very discouraged that I knew I was going to have to change something.
   I have begun the process of reinventing myself.  It may seem crazy but I went back to school.  I have been attending an online program at Bethel University since November and have completed the certification for Autism.  Beginning this fall I will be completing my licensure in Learning Disabilities and next summer I hope to finally finish up the thesis for my masters in education.
   In March I was informed that I would be going back to being half time in one building and half time in another, by April it was decided that my caseload would not include any of my EBD students.  Since, at the time, the only licensure I had was EBD  I knew it was only a matter of time before I would be transferred out of the building so I began looking for a new position.  I wanted to have some say in where I would land so I applied for nearly a dozen positions.  There are few experiences in life that match the emotional roller coaster of job hunting.  You open the postings with a mixture of hope and trepidation, read - and reread- the job descriptions and ask yourself if you can picture doing that job.  Is this it?  Is this the right place for me?  What exactly does this job description mean anyway?  Should I rewrite my resume?  Did I say something stupid in my application?  Why is no one responding?   Then when you do get an interview you agonize about every question they asked and everything you forgot to say.  The "catch 22" is that people don't usually go looking for a new job out of a sense of confidence and accomplishment.  No one gets up in the morning and says "Wow I'm really good at my job and I'm really happy here I think I'll look for a new job" so walking into a room and "selling" yourself to several people requires a special kind of courage (or desperation).  In the end, I was offered a position at a new school (I will not use the names of the schools in which I work here because those I work with have a right to some privacy). I will be teaching in a setting 3 EBD program.  The prospect is thrilling and terrifying.  Thrilling because I love having a classroom of my own, something that I did not have in a resource position.  Terrifying because these will be students who have a higher level of need and I will have a whole new set of skills to learn in order to adequately serve them.  One of the positives here (and despite my anxiety there are a great many) is that my school district has done an amazing job of providing training and support.  Every person beginning a new position feels overwhelmed and undertrained but the people whose job it is to support me in this position have done a wonderful job of making the tools I will need available to me.
   This last year has been tough on me but I have learned a number of eternal lessons to go along with the temporal things I've learned. 

First - I am NOT alone.  My Father in Heaven knows me and He has given me all the support I could possibly need.  I have a husband who holds the priesthood. I have children, parents, and brothers and sisters (et. al) who support and care about me. I have diligent, caring home teachers.  I have a calling in the church that puts me in a position to work with people who are understanding, encouraging, and supportive. I have also made friends in my profession that will remain my friends no matter where I work.  In reviewing the amount of caring support I've received it becomes obvious that there was never any real danger of failure.

Second - I have been blessed with some divine gifts that deserve to be respected and utilized.  I sometimes forget that the skills I have with children are gifts from God, not personal accomplishments.  I can feel good about and competent in my gifts but I hope I never again forget that they come from Him and will be available to me as long as I stay close to Him.  I can handle where He has lead me because He will "prepare a way that I may accomplish the thing . . ."

Last - I am an eternal being in training.  This is a training ground and these challenges are preparing me for the next adventure.  As painful as this process was, nothing can take away from me this core knowledge that I a daughter of God first and a teacher, mother, wife, sister etc.  second. 

Look out here I come!!!